Exbihit M: Physical Abilities

A tactful word about our physical oddities.  Certainly if I clarify that it’s tactful, then it will be right?  Some of these are less noticeable than others, but let’s get them all out in the open. 

We’ll start with noses, since that’s always been a hot topic in my family.  As long as I can remember my father has been an avid proponent of the nose.  Claiming that our family’s signature nose is large and beautiful and more sensitive than the average nose.  He eagerly measured them, with his thumb, to see whose was getting biggest.

How to Accurately Gauge the Relative Size of Familial Noses

1.        Make sure subject is agreeable and the nose has been properly wiped.

2.       Measure the width first (standard nose measurements are always width x length) by taking your thumb and lining the tip up with the edge of one nostril (called the nasal ala) so that the rest of the thumb crosses the columella to the other ala.  Slide index finger until it touches the ala furthest from the thumb tip.  Like so:

Note how compliant he is

3.        Mark the ala to ala measurement with a pen, or immediately measure it against your own, sliding the index narrower or wider as appropriate.

4.        Measure length second by placing thumb tip at the nasolabial angle and slide index finger until it touches the apex of the nose.  Like so:

5.       Mark the nasolabial apex measurement, or compare to your own.

  This is how we all knew the moment OR Tire’s nose outgrew my father’s.  Other fun facts about our noses.  The cartilage at the tip of my nose splits when pressed and it is really fun (and by really fun I mean annoying) to push it repeatedly like an elevator button.  Beadle’s nostrils are shaped like triangles.  A fact she is extremely proud of.  My mom’s nose is crooked, but it is also the smallest and most aesthetic of the family.  To my knowledge we have an average sense of smell.  But don’t tell them that.

Tricks with our tongue.  Just what you wanted to hear about I am sure.  But this was my mother’s interest.  Can you roll your tongue?  Roll it upside down? 

Do spoon tongue?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Clover tongue?

 Invert it right?

 

 

 

 

 

  Invert it left? 

Touch it to the tip of your nose?  Do pickle tongue?



  Fold it on top of itself?  Touch your uvula?  Yes, these are all questions we were asked.  Regularly, by my mother.

My answers:  Y, N, Y, Y, Y, Y, Y, Y, Y, Y               Pooker: classified

Nana: no comment                                                 Gummy: not available for questioning.

Sneet: Y, N, Y, Y, Y, Y, N, Y, Y, Y                           OR Tire: Y, N, Y, N, N, N, Y, Y, Y, N

Muscle Whip:  classified                                      Beadle: Y, N, Y, N, Y, Y, Y, Y, Y, N

Mom: Y, N, Y, Y, Y, Y, N, Y, Y, N                           Dad: Y, N, Y, Y, Y, Y, Y, Y, Y, Y

Other oddities of note:  OR can blow air out his eyeballs and has really stretchy neck skin.  My dad can roll his eyes one at a time.  Nana, Beadle, Slugweirta, OR Tire and I all have a cyst on our right wrists.  The record for hairiest chest is held by my father and is 6 total hairs.  Beadle can move her pinky toe independently and with some agility.

 

  Sneet can do a tongue wave.  I can bend my thumb 90 degrees.  My dad claims invincibility to strangulation because of his immense platysma muscles.  OR Tire can hold 8 pencils with his face.

Clearly the contest over physical oddities has been won.