Exhibit I: My Dad

I meant to do this for Father's Day, but here I am writing this two weeks too late when I should be doing the dishes.  My Dad is a bizarre human being.  He says he's sort of a redneck hippie.  Which is such an incongruent phrase I can't quite wrap my brain around it.  I thought I'd list his top five eccentricities, so I can save the rest for later.  We'll see how I do.
Number One:  Ha, ha, I'm sitting here blankly trying to decide which is the most unusual.  These are in no particular order then, to make it easier for me. The way he greets and responds to greetings.  Often he will just say "greetings"  I always think "earthling" in my head afterwards.  Occasionally "salutations".  He has various amusing responses to "how are you?" like "fair to middlin'"  or "sixes" or the more literal "you'd have to ask my parents" (Um. No.) or "13.8 billion years ago there was a singularity".  If you ask how he feels it's often "slightly squashy".  I can't remember even once saying, "how are you?" and him saying "fine".   He almost never responds to a question in the way you'd expect.  I guess I can respect that level of non-conformity to social norms.  I just wish that it only went as far as how he says hello.  Instead of permeating every layer of his social, emotional and cultural behavior.
Number Two: Conspiracies.  I don't really have a place to begin with this and he will probably read this and go "what conspiracies?" that's because they are all fact to him.  But he once told me that the government puts trans-fats in everything to keep us unhealthy.  Or he'll get irked if I wear a shirt with a logo on it because that's free advertising, I suppose that's not really a conspiracy.  Don't get him started on George W. Bush, or organic food or oil conspiracies.  It's always a lively conversation. 
Number Three:  And this one is totally involuntary, but still unusual.  My dad has sensitivities to anything with synthetic fragrances.  He coughs like crazy around perfume, deodorant, cleaners you name it.  Before he comes to visit I launder all my towels and sheets in fragrance free detergent.  But I always miss something.  As a result of these sensitivities, he often wears a mask in public.  When he has to remove it, he stores it conveniently on his elbow.  Fortunately, the man-made fragrance of human body odor doesn't make him cough, so if I go for days deodorant free he's the only person I won't be offending.   If you're coming for a visit, please check your lotions, soaps, perfumes and household cleaners at the door. 
Number Four:  This is less of an eccentricity, but still an unusual part of who he is.  I can't honestly talk about who my dad without mentioning that he has a service animal.  She is his constant companion.  What she does and why he needs her is a little harder to explain.  About twenty years ago he had a TIA (transient ischemic attack) on his way to work.  It's like a mini-stroke.  He never fully recovered.  Later he was involved in a car accident which caused further damage.  He hasn't been fully functional since then.  He likes to say he lost his marble.  He forgets a lot.  He wanders aimlessly around grocery stores.  He falls asleep unless otherwise occupied.  The dog is there to remind him to go home.  To wake him up.  To keep him active and alert.  Basically like a wife only hairier and less busy.  So Songka goes everywhere with him.  Once my parents brought her to my house for the weekend.  They vehemently assured me she didn't shed. 


Baloney

She is a purebred malamute.  In the New Mexican desert.  Of course she sheds.  It is my opinion that her services would be better rendered if she were...


Hairless?

Smaller?



Both?
 

Ok.  I guess we'll keep her.  It could definitely be weirder.
Number Five:  This goes along pretty well with my last one.  My dad LOVES canines.  Not just dogs.  When asked to go anywhere formal he wears a tie with a wolf howling at the moon.  Like to my wedding.  (I'd like to add here that he also wore his favorite footwear, Teva sandals with black socks, it went well with his suit. Luckily he left his booney hat at home.)  One of his favorite pastimes is tracking coyotes, so he can observe them in their natural habitat.  I'm fairly certain he spends more times with canines than humans (even if we excluded Songka from the canine category).  If he was told that he could take either my mom or the dog on a luxury vacation for two.....I'm not 100% positive he would pick my mom. 


Okay, It's not howling





SO that's just the top five.  I'm sure my siblings will throw some in there that I've forgotten that they think are weirder.  Although my dad is undoubtedly odd, he has some redeeming qualities too.  He gave me a deep and enduring love for nature.  He is someone I can call on no matter what the trouble is.  He has more patience than anyone I know.  He never swears.  Probably the best lesson is that he taught me that how you look isn't important.   It's how you think and what you do that matters.
Oh, and he taught us to love Tolkien.

"The lizard wept onto his horse."