Exhibit O: Our Kitchen Appliances

                If you walked into the kitchen at our home, you would be astonished, yes astonished, at the assortment of kitchen appliances that adorn the counters.  They take up almost all the usable space.  Rendering the table the prep and serving area out of necessity.  What kind of appliances, you ask, considering yourself fairly well versed in kitchen paraphernalia.  Well, there is the normal stuff.  There is a stand mixer to the left of the sink, ancient and well used.  On the opposite side sits the blender, cozied up to the drying rack for dishes.  By the blender is a toaster and between the two is nestled a handheld blender.  But once you pass the toaster, you’ve hit the point of no return.  A two square foot space of counter is dedicated to the meat slicer.  For all those turkey breasts you’ve recently cured.  Next to the meat slicer is a deep fryer so old it has a fabric wrapped cord and unless it is properly coddled it will ignite your kitchen in an oil-fueled fireball.  By the fryer is a bagel slicer and last in the row comes a toaster oven, for when your regular oven or toaster simply will not suffice. 

                Way back around by the stand mixer is a wheat grinder.  And sitting alone, next to the fridge that I melted trying to make popcorn, is a yogurt maker.  It would honestly remind you of a prep kitchen for a small cafeteria.  If it weren’t for the enormous toolbox and the disassembled 1990’s computer behind the table that sometimes get used for a chair.     

Exhibit N: Christmas

As I’m sure you can imagine, Christmas at our house was never what one would expect.  I’ll start with Santa.  I always knew Santa was made up.  Not because I’m a super genius who rapidly deduced that the story of Santa defied the laws of biology and physics.  Because my parents straight up told me.  Why?  Because, Santa brings lots of presents to good girls and boys, right?  Well, when you have next to nothing and Santa shows up with a few homemade candies and a dress your mom made for you, this creates some problems.  One, you think you haven’t been very good.  Two, your mom doesn’t get credit for all her hard work.  Three, you're basically putting on an elaborate deception for your kids.  My parent’s solution was to let each of us pretend to be Santa.  The year it was our turn, we got to shop with mom for each of our siblings.  Then, we stayed up all night Christmas Eve, making gooey, poorly wrapped caramels, wrapping presents and stuffing stockings.  At least one stocking per year was just a melted mess of caramel and fudge.  Our candy making skills needed some fine tuning.  Still, being Santa is one of my favorite childhood memories.



Pooker being Santa

                Next, I’ll discuss the weird gifts we give.  Typically we got one gift a year, from our parents, then we would make or buy one for each of the siblings (if purchased, more often than not, these came from quarter vending machines at the grocery store).  Let me start with where they purchased most of these gifts.  The pawn shop.  Gifts I have received from a pawn shop: a set of sterling silverware in a heart-shaped box (age 11), a ring, a VCR, an antique side table (age 8), a puzzle.  Some gifts my siblings received from a pawn shop: Pooker (tent), Nana (porcelain doll), Beadle (butterfly knife (age 12)) Sneet (TV) John (laptop).  Other gifts of note I have received: an atlas, a dictionary, homemade moccasins, homemade candles and a thesaurus.  Funniest gifts I have seen given: wax (to Pooker), crocheted boxer shorts (to Beadle’s boyfriend), shampoo (to my mom) a weed whacker (to Nana), leather working kit (to Nana) and a seed warmer (again, to Nana).  Our gifts are often, homemade, secondhand and more a necessity than luxury.  I would, however, be remiss if I didn’t mention the time I got something new.  When I was six, I desperately wanted a Cabbage Patch doll.  The whole world wanted one. My grammy tried to make me one, but it just wasn’t the same.  I couldn't ask for it because they were expensive.  I don't know how she did it, but my mom figured it out.  That year, she fought through the Christmas crowds and managed to snag one of the very last Cabbage Patch dolls.  She forked over $25 for it, which was more than she spent on all the other kid’s gifts combined.  I loved that doll. 

                How we wrap.  If our gifts were unusual, our wrapping was worse.  We were constantly trying to wrap our present in a manner that left the recipient puzzled as to what the contents were.  The pawn shop ring was stuck inside a fig newton and wrapped up.  I was led on a treasure hunt for the side table.  The thesaurus was placed inside a 3’x3’ box filled with packing peanuts.  Imagine my surprise.  The puzzle was in 23 separate layers of newspaper.  The weed whacker was meticulously wrapped in the exact shape of a weed whacker. 

                Our tree for many years was just a potted plant in the living room.  If we bought a tree, it was usually on the 23rd, because that's when they go on sale.  Sometimes we cut our own tree.  We usually were woefully bad at guessing the size that our living room could accommodate. 

                If you have ever had to do Christmas for 8 kids on less than $100, then you know what I am talking about.  But, let me be clear, I loved Christmas.  Despite all the lumpy packages under the tree, despite peeling caramel off my candy canes, despite the fact that nothing was new, bright or shiny.  What I remember most is sleeping under the Christmas tree, carefully crafting paper doll dresses for my sisters, playing games together, and singing together.  What I remember most is love.  And isn’t that what Christmas is all about? 



Nana with a homemade Christmas hat

Christmas.  I am the baby my mom's shirt is talking about.

Me being Santa

               

Exbihit M: Physical Abilities

A tactful word about our physical oddities.  Certainly if I clarify that it’s tactful, then it will be right?  Some of these are less noticeable than others, but let’s get them all out in the open. 

We’ll start with noses, since that’s always been a hot topic in my family.  As long as I can remember my father has been an avid proponent of the nose.  Claiming that our family’s signature nose is large and beautiful and more sensitive than the average nose.  He eagerly measured them, with his thumb, to see whose was getting biggest.

How to Accurately Gauge the Relative Size of Familial Noses

1.        Make sure subject is agreeable and the nose has been properly wiped.

2.       Measure the width first (standard nose measurements are always width x length) by taking your thumb and lining the tip up with the edge of one nostril (called the nasal ala) so that the rest of the thumb crosses the columella to the other ala.  Slide index finger until it touches the ala furthest from the thumb tip.  Like so:

Note how compliant he is

3.        Mark the ala to ala measurement with a pen, or immediately measure it against your own, sliding the index narrower or wider as appropriate.

4.        Measure length second by placing thumb tip at the nasolabial angle and slide index finger until it touches the apex of the nose.  Like so:

5.       Mark the nasolabial apex measurement, or compare to your own.

  This is how we all knew the moment OR Tire’s nose outgrew my father’s.  Other fun facts about our noses.  The cartilage at the tip of my nose splits when pressed and it is really fun (and by really fun I mean annoying) to push it repeatedly like an elevator button.  Beadle’s nostrils are shaped like triangles.  A fact she is extremely proud of.  My mom’s nose is crooked, but it is also the smallest and most aesthetic of the family.  To my knowledge we have an average sense of smell.  But don’t tell them that.

Tricks with our tongue.  Just what you wanted to hear about I am sure.  But this was my mother’s interest.  Can you roll your tongue?  Roll it upside down? 

Do spoon tongue?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Clover tongue?

 Invert it right?

 

 

 

 

 

  Invert it left? 

Touch it to the tip of your nose?  Do pickle tongue?



  Fold it on top of itself?  Touch your uvula?  Yes, these are all questions we were asked.  Regularly, by my mother.

My answers:  Y, N, Y, Y, Y, Y, Y, Y, Y, Y               Pooker: classified

Nana: no comment                                                 Gummy: not available for questioning.

Sneet: Y, N, Y, Y, Y, Y, N, Y, Y, Y                           OR Tire: Y, N, Y, N, N, N, Y, Y, Y, N

Muscle Whip:  classified                                      Beadle: Y, N, Y, N, Y, Y, Y, Y, Y, N

Mom: Y, N, Y, Y, Y, Y, N, Y, Y, N                           Dad: Y, N, Y, Y, Y, Y, Y, Y, Y, Y

Other oddities of note:  OR can blow air out his eyeballs and has really stretchy neck skin.  My dad can roll his eyes one at a time.  Nana, Beadle, Slugweirta, OR Tire and I all have a cyst on our right wrists.  The record for hairiest chest is held by my father and is 6 total hairs.  Beadle can move her pinky toe independently and with some agility.

 

  Sneet can do a tongue wave.  I can bend my thumb 90 degrees.  My dad claims invincibility to strangulation because of his immense platysma muscles.  OR Tire can hold 8 pencils with his face.

Clearly the contest over physical oddities has been won.

Exhibit D: The Ear Key

The original purpose of the ear key was to unlock bathroom doors.  In our house (with 3 bathrooms and 10 people) being locked out of the bathroom qualified as an emergency.  So my dad made this key and kept it on his key ring to be readily handy should anyone accidentally lock the bathroom door on their way out (this happened often because they are just those push button locks).  HOWEVER, somehow my dad developed a habit of using it to clean his ears. 
Imagine, if you can, having a fairly normal conversation with a fairly normal looking dude when he casually pulls THIS

ear key

 

out of his pocket and sticks it in his ear.  What would go through your head?  You can see what's going through his head.  I remember thinking maybe he was trying to unlock his brain.  Or turn it on to get it working. 



 I asked an ENT what they would say to a patient who did this.  He said he would advise against it.  He also verified there are no magic locks or brain ignitions in your ear.
If you happen to be at my house and you see this key lying around, try to use it only for it's designated purpose, opening bathrooms.  And whatever you do, don't use it to clean your teeth.